“I’m not gay”. That’s something a
gay closeted man such as myself might insist. But, I’ve known I was gay since
middle school. And as much as I wanted to deny it, I always felt a strong
attraction towards men. So why haven’t I told anyone? What factors force me to
stay in the proverbial closet? Like many other gay closeted men, my main
motivation to stay in the closet is a deep fear of rejection and neglect.
For example, the Catholic majority
in Laredo shares a common belief that homosexuality is a sin. Because of
conservative and religious beliefs gay men and women are not encouraged to be
“out” or “proud” of their sexuality. This reminds me of the song Take me to
Church by Hozier. Particularly, the lyrics, “You were born sick/You heard
them saying/My church offers no absolution”. Similarly, in Laredo, a man is
expected to act, think, and behave like a “real” man; a “Macho” to be exact. A
young man is supposed present himself in a certain way that fits the idea of
being masculine and straight-acting: if he is not perceived that way by others
then their attitudes towards him change. Many times, this change of attitude
reflects feelings of disgust, intolerance, and mistrust.
Considering the negative religious
attitudes that exist in the community it is of no surprise that a young
Hispanic gay man might chose to forgo outing himself. What choice or freedom is
a gay man allowed to be “out” and “proud” if the consequence of choosing this
kind of lifestyle is to be labeled “a sinner living a sinful life”? As a young Hispanic gay male, I often find myself feeling
pressured into acting as “macho” as possible to avoid the suspicion that I
might be gay. I am sure that I am not alone in this and projecting masculinity
is something many gay closeted men have come to rely on to keep their sexual
orientation private.
Another issue that
influences my decision to stay in the closet is that it seems Laredo’s LGBTQ
culture isn’t necessarily a “valued” part of our local community. Because the
community isn’t considered as
important, there are few if any positive LGBTQ role models or figures in Laredo
that a young gay man or woman can look up to. Although, local “celebrities”
such as LaGordiLoca coordinate events and marches with the intention of
bringing awareness and acceptance of the LGBTQ community, there’s not much that
happens after that. Meaning, the community has no direction or actual plan for
creating equality in Laredo. This of course ends up limiting the resources that
are available to me and other young men.
Dating is also a
stressful situation. Many other members of the LGBT community don’t want to
date a closeted person. They don’t want to deal with the hassle of having to
hide their relationship. But, what many guys don’t understand is that being
“out” isn’t the easiest or in some situations the best choice for all of us.
Instead, it can be a process that takes time and courage. Understandably, for
some guys being out and open about their sexuality comes easier. Just the other
day I recall seeing a gay couple being affectionate with one another in public.
The sight of gay couples showing affection is so rare in Laredo that it drew my
attention as well as the attention of others around me. I’m pretty sure I’m not
there yet.
Trying to find an actual
date is a whole other mess. If you’re new or unexperienced in the world of “gay
dating and hookups” apps like Grindr and Tinder can be confusing and
misleading. The most discouraging aspect of using these apps comes when you
have the realization that everyone is looking for something ridiculously specific
and you aren’t it. Typical examples might be “slim only”, “no fats!”, and “good
looking only”. If we were only so quick to say, “kind hearted only”, “must love
volunteering at charities”, or “family and goal oriented” then perhaps things
in the dating scene might be different.
But, in my experience, the messages I’ve exchanged with other men
indicate they mostly just want meaningless sexual exchanges.
Lastly, I stay in the
closet because, I’m an undocumented immigrant. My immigration status is
something that has a negative impact on people’s perception of who I am. Being
out and open about my sexuality will only deepen the prejudice people from
Laredo have against me. Some of this prejudice comes from the stereotypes that
all undocumented immigrants use resources and benefits that should otherwise be
exclusive to U.S. citizens. I can tell you this not the truth.
As a matter of fact,
I am a “mojado”, I’m ineligible for things that most people my age take
for granted. Because I am undocumented I cannot apply for Financial Aid,
obtain a Driver’s license, or open a checking or savings account. Even my
opportunities to improve my health are restricted because, I cannot travel outside any area of Laredo where healthcare resources are more easily
accessible.
Despite these barriers I
was given the opportunity to attend public and charter schools in the
United States. Attending school in the U.S. gave me the chance to meet other
people my age that shared similar interests and idea. I was also allowed to
participate in a different school activities and organizations that helped
develop my individual strengths. More importantly, I achieved academic goals
that have made me the first ever in my family to be eligible to attend a
college or university in the U.S.
The negative views on my
sexual orientation and immigration status are something that I have lived with
my entire life. It can be easy to take it all in and allow myself to be
negative and pessimistic, but I choose to stay positive and optimistic because
I know I have a good future ahead. And I know that future will include a day
when I’m ready to come out of the closet and dedicate myself to making a positive
change in our community. However, for now, I don’t tell anyone about any of
this. I keep it all in my head. These bottled up insecurities and secrets
aren’t something I’m ready to share.
