Closets, Walls, and Broke Bridges: My Life as a Young Gay Immigrant in Laredo, Texas

This short essay was anonymously submitted to me by a young gay man from Laredo. In his own words, he describes the reasons why he remains “closeted” and how this decision is also influenced by the intersectionality of  immigration status and race/ethnicity.  In addition, the author addresses how negative community attitudes towards LGBTQ identities, impacts his choice to remain discrete about his sexual orientation.   

“I’m not gay”. That’s something a gay closeted man such as myself might insist. But, I’ve known I was gay since middle school. And as much as I wanted to deny it, I always felt a strong attraction towards men. So why haven’t I told anyone? What factors force me to stay in the proverbial closet? Like many other gay closeted men, my main motivation to stay in the closet is a deep fear of rejection and neglect.

For example, the Catholic majority in Laredo shares a common belief that homosexuality is a sin. Because of conservative and religious beliefs gay men and women are not encouraged to be “out” or “proud” of their sexuality. This reminds me of the song Take me to Church by Hozier. Particularly, the lyrics, “You were born sick/You heard them saying/My church offers no absolution”. Similarly, in Laredo, a man is expected to act, think, and behave like a “real” man; a “Macho” to be exact. A young man is supposed present himself in a certain way that fits the idea of being masculine and straight-acting: if he is not perceived that way by others then their attitudes towards him change. Many times, this change of attitude reflects feelings of disgust, intolerance, and mistrust.

Considering the negative religious attitudes that exist in the community it is of no surprise that a young Hispanic gay man might chose to forgo outing himself. What choice or freedom is a gay man allowed to be “out” and “proud” if the consequence of choosing this kind of lifestyle is to be labeled “a sinner living a sinful life”? As a young Hispanic gay male, I often find myself feeling pressured into acting as “macho” as possible to avoid the suspicion that I might be gay. I am sure that I am not alone in this and projecting masculinity is something many gay closeted men have come to rely on to keep their sexual orientation private.

Another issue that influences my decision to stay in the closet is that it seems Laredo’s LGBTQ culture isn’t necessarily a “valued” part of our local community. Because the community isn’t considered as important, there are few if any positive LGBTQ role models or figures in Laredo that a young gay man or woman can look up to. Although, local “celebrities” such as LaGordiLoca coordinate events and marches with the intention of bringing awareness and acceptance of the LGBTQ community, there’s not much that happens after that. Meaning, the community has no direction or actual plan for creating equality in Laredo. This of course ends up limiting the resources that are available to me and other young men.

Dating is also a stressful situation. Many other members of the LGBT community don’t want to date a closeted person. They don’t want to deal with the hassle of having to hide their relationship. But, what many guys don’t understand is that being “out” isn’t the easiest or in some situations the best choice for all of us. Instead, it can be a process that takes time and courage. Understandably, for some guys being out and open about their sexuality comes easier. Just the other day I recall seeing a gay couple being affectionate with one another in public. The sight of gay couples showing affection is so rare in Laredo that it drew my attention as well as the attention of others around me. I’m pretty sure I’m not there yet.

Trying to find an actual date is a whole other mess. If you’re new or unexperienced in the world of “gay dating and hookups” apps like Grindr and Tinder can be confusing and misleading. The most discouraging aspect of using these apps comes when you have the realization that everyone is looking for something ridiculously specific and you aren’t it. Typical examples might be “slim only”, “no fats!”, and “good looking only”. If we were only so quick to say, “kind hearted only”, “must love volunteering at charities”, or “family and goal oriented” then perhaps things in the dating scene might be different.  But, in my experience, the messages I’ve exchanged with other men indicate they mostly just want meaningless sexual exchanges.

Lastly, I stay in the closet because, I’m an undocumented immigrant. My immigration status is something that has a negative impact on people’s perception of who I am. Being out and open about my sexuality will only deepen the prejudice people from Laredo have against me. Some of this prejudice comes from the stereotypes that all undocumented immigrants use resources and benefits that should otherwise be exclusive to U.S. citizens. I can tell you this not the truth. 

As a matter of fact, I am a “mojado”, I’m ineligible for things that most people my age take for granted. Because I am undocumented I cannot apply for Financial Aid, obtain a Driver’s license, or open a checking or savings account. Even my opportunities to improve my health are restricted because, I cannot travel outside any area of Laredo where healthcare resources are more easily accessible.

Despite these barriers I was given the opportunity to attend public and charter schools in the United States. Attending school in the U.S. gave me the chance to meet other people my age that shared similar interests and idea. I was also allowed to participate in a different school activities and organizations that helped develop my individual strengths. More importantly, I achieved academic goals that have made me the first ever in my family to be eligible to attend a college or university in the U.S.

The negative views on my sexual orientation and immigration status are something that I have lived with my entire life. It can be easy to take it all in and allow myself to be negative and pessimistic, but I choose to stay positive and optimistic because I know I have a good future ahead. And I know that future will include a day when I’m ready to come out of the closet and dedicate myself to making a positive change in our community. However, for now, I don’t tell anyone about any of this. I keep it all in my head. These bottled up insecurities and secrets aren’t something I’m ready to share.

What is "heterosexism"?

Heterosexism is discrimination or bias that favors heterosexuality (i.e. straight identities) over homosexuality; heterosexism perpetuates the idea that being straight is normal while being gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or queer is abnormal. Heterosexism effects Laredo’s LGBTQ community in many distinct way. For example:

·         We do not always have the ability to talk openly, comfortably, without fear of judgment about one’s friends, social activities, and personal relationships.

·         We sometimes have our “normalcy” questioned.

·         We are discouraged or not allowed to show affection in public with one’s partner without fear of negative reaction or hostility.

·         Our ability to be “fit” parents is often questioned.

·         We are sometimes denied rights to job security and freedom from sanctioned discrimination.

·         We are sometimes denied rights to family and medical leave for a partner.

·         We are sometimes denied our right to human dignity.

References: Gendered Worlds (2010)

LGBTQ Group holds Pride event at Laredo Community College

According to local news sources, students at Laredo Community College (LCC) coordinated a Pride event with the intention of raising awareness and promoting self-acceptance among the local LGBTQ community. The event was co-sponsored by agencies such as the local Health Department, PILLAR, and Laredo Pride.  Although the event took place, student coordinator, Manuel Lasoya, a member of the LGBTQ community claims via social media, that there were some "bumps" in the road and that LCC would never allow a gay group to exist on campus. When asked to clarify Lasoya did not.

All things considered, ten years ago "drag performances" at Laredo Community College or Texas A&M International University would have been unacceptable and prohibited. But as the current trend of "inclusion" continues to gain momentum, new and more open campus policies have made it possible for students to comfortably express and showcase their non-binary gender identities.

For example, on May 4, 2017 Texas A&M International University held it's first drag show titled "Deal with It"! I'm not sure if this was a message to the campuses conservative ideology or if it's a catchy phrase from contemporary drag culture, but what I do know is that it sent the historic message: “We’re here. We’re Queer. Get over it”! The event was coordinated by the Campus Alley Network, a non-profit organization that intends to create “Safe Spaces” on campus for LGBTQ individuals and allies.

As a former member of a LGBTQ organization at TAMIU, I can say in all honesty I have very mixed feelings about these types of events. While on one hand I can appreciate the effort and awareness it creates for non-binary gender identities, I find myself asking, “but what does it do for the rest of the community?” It’s not my intention to undercut the hard work of these individuals nor is it my intention to make other’s feel as if drag culture does not warrant representation or inclusion, but our local LGBTQ community has problems that reach far beyond “acceptance” and “understanding”. Poverty, illiteracy, and disease isn’t something that’s going to go away because our tias, tios, primos, primas, abuelitas, or abuelitos accept our gender identity or sexuality. In fact, the only way we can make a difference in our community is to advocate for structural changes in education and healthcare.

That being said, the tenacity and courage of these individuals and organizations is inspiring to say the least. One can only hope that as mainstream culture becomes more accepting and inclusive, campus drag shows will no longer be an oddity, but a welcomed platform where individuals of non-binary gender identities will feel valued and respected.

Down and "Out" in the Gateway City

Hispanic and Latinx gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, & queer individuals that live on the U.S.-Mexico borderlands experience a unique set of socio-economic barriers. In cities like Laredo, Texas the conflict between the heteronormative majority and the LGBTQ community, perpetuate inequality and disparity for LGBTQ individuals in areas such as education, healthcare, and income. Although, there are a few agencies and organizations that strive to be LGBTQ inclusive, the heteronormative majority as well as the LGBTQ community itself has remained stagnant in creating long term changes in Laredo’s social and political structures.

Conflict theorist postulate that groups and individuals that have the power and control to dominate the social, political, and economic systems in society (in this case Laredo’s heteronormative majority) are considered superordinate-groups (i.e. superior). Inversely, groups like Laredo’s LGBTQ community, that have less power and control are the subjugated and exploited subordinate-groups (i.e. inferior). It is important to recognize that superordinate-groups obtain and preserve their power and control by benefiting from the labor and oppression of subordinate-groups. The experience of subordinate groups also includes but is not limited to:

• Unequal treatment and less power over one’s life
• Distinguishing physical or cultural traits that the dominant group holds in low regard
• Involuntary membership or ascribed status 
• Group solidarity awareness of subordinate status and oppression

(Source: Understanding Race & Ethnicity, 2006)

Thus, it can be argued that poverty, illiteracy, and illness may be more prevalent within Laredo’s LGBTQ community; not because, of some biological predisposition of inferiority (a common belief among Laredo's religious conservatives), but because, LGBTQ individuals are frequently limited or barred from accessing necessary resources or benefits that are reserved for the more "acceptable" heteronormative majority. Subsequently, the restrictions and limitations to Laredo's already strained resources creates a substantial disadvantage for LGBTQ individuals seeking self-improvement and advancement.

Furthermore, Laredo’s cultural blending of traditional U.S. and Mexican gender and sexuality norms are commonly used by the heteronormative majority to justify the exclusion and persecution of Laredo's LGBTQ individuals. That is to say, rigidly defined concepts of masculinity (machismo), femininity (marianismo), and heterosexuality are often used to silence and discredit Laredo’s LGBTQ community. For instance, the heteronormative majority still considers and treats LGBTQ individuals as if they are synonymous with being “abnormal”, “sinful”, and “unnatural". Consequently, Laredo’s heteronormative ideologies have influenced heterosexist and homophobic policies and practices that negatively impact the local LGBTQ community in different ways.

LGBTQ community mobilization or -the process by which individuals, groups, or organizations plan, carry out, and evaluate activities or projects intended to improve the community- is one area that is adversely impacted by heterosexism and homophobia in Laredo. But how exactly does heterosexism and homophobia impact the local community’s ability to work together towards cohesive goals and group solidarity?

Some queer theories contend the possibility that gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and queer individuals internalize homophobia and heterosexism (i.e. “the self-hatred that occurs as a result of being a socially stigmatized person” (Locke, 1998).  The internalization of heterosexism and homophobia may manifest into behaviors such as: forcing a partner to stay in the closet, feelings of disgust or contempt towards other LGBTQ individuals who cannot “pass” as straight, or attempting to change one’s sexuality through “therapy” or “religious practices (i.e. prayer)”.

In short, heterosexism and homophobia influence LGBTQ individuals to have negative feeling about their gender identities or sexual orientation that are then projected outward and onto the other LGBTQ individuals or groups. For LGBTQ individuals that internalized heterosexism there may also be a heighten sense of displacement and disconnectedness from mainstream queer identities and culture. A good example of this is reflected in the local GRINDR profiles of gay, bisexual, and transgender men. One only need to download the latest version of the app and scroll through individual profiles to see how misogynistic attitudes and body shaming have become prevalent within Laredo's gay community.

The “no fats, no fems” phenomenon isn't something exclusive to Laredo's gay culture. It is however a way in which gay men objectify and chastise the bodies and gender identities of other gay men. Interestingly, there exists profound dissonance between gay men that identify and perform "masculinity" and gay men that identify and perform "femininity". An equal tension also exists between gay men that are physical “fit” and gay men that are “out of shape”. Ultimately, the non-conforming male gender identities are devalued and alienated. Thus, the ongoing inter-communal conflicts between "masc" and "fem" further the fragmentation of Laredo’s LGBTQ community. 

 In other words, ideological conflicts among the LGBTQ individuals impedes community mobilization because not all individuals or groups feel a sense of community or comradery for each other. While Laredo’s LGBTQ community has a willingness to advocate for change to pre-existing systems or institutions they lack the resources and group solidarity to see change through. So, what is the future of Laredo’s LGBTQ community? Will we learn that together we stand stronger than the oppressive and hateful attitudes that threaten to tear us down? Or will we remain complacent with the status quo?